Regrets

Before I start things off, I have a question to ask you: Do any of you have things that you regret that you have done? Or things that you wish that didn’t happened that were beyond your control?
Well, that’s pretty much me in a nutshell. As I am writing this post, I am beginning to feel that maybe the title isn’t actually the right fit. But I will let you guys decide.

See, a little more about me and my inner workings: I have a tendency to think too much. That has always been an issue with me and sometimes a constant problem in my relationship. I over analyze things, make them completely more than it needed to be.  With that being said, I am going to take you on a little journey.

March 2010

I lost my $10 an hour job at a law firm in New York City. I remember that day well. It was a Thursday when I got fired. I remembered feeling so numb after I exited the office. I had not one leg to stand on. No one was on my side. I felt alone, miserable, just in a state of depression. Even though, now looking back on the incident(s) that led up to this decision, I know what I did was wrong. I take responsibility for what I know that I did, but I will not accept the ones that I either have no knowledge or recollection of, because some things I believe was miss-communication on all sides, but that’s not important.

Whatever decision that they made, I feel saved me from myself to be honest. I was going to therapy after work at the time, but during the day I was struggling to keep it together. The more they pushed, the more I felt a piece of me slip away. And there is one thing I remembered is to never let you forget you.  And I was guilty of doing just that. I forgot who I was and what I wanted to be. And that is the reason why I am thankful to them for letting me go. I realize that maybe that job wasn’t for me at that time or maybe they weren’t the right fit for me anymore. My only regret from this was not leaving on my own terms.

April 2011

This month was very heartbreaking for me and a lot of my friends. We lost a great man, Mr. Klamka. He was…my poetry club teacher for four years at my high school. The day that I found that he passed away, I was home watching t.v. My mother works at the school, so she always knew him from when I was a student there. Funny thing is that she had a huge crush on him. I did to some degree too. Just writing about him hurts a little. A year later, and it still feels so fresh. When she called me around lunch time I that cold rush that I normally get when I hear bad news fell over me.  It was such a shock, because everyone who knew him personally knew him to be such a larger than life person. When Mr. Klamka spoke he had a tendency to have a booming voice.

This felt so wrong! I spent the rest of the week thinking and not trying to think about him. Then the regrets started filling my head. Practically overflowing with emotion. I wished that I had seen him one last time. The last time I saw him was at my friend’s wedding. The groom’s sister had surprised the married couple with Mr. Klamka. I’m trying so hard to fight back the tears right now.

And then the day of the funeral. I missed the whole thing by a matter of minutes. That broke me even further. Here I was trying to say goodbye to this man and I couldn’t. At least that’s what I felt at the moment. With a little help from my friends I realized that Mr. Klamka knows how I feel, how everyone feels about him and that we love him and miss him something terrible. I regret not getting there on time to at least see him one last time.

August 2011

I realized that some people that you let into your life are only meant to be there for a short while. I have learned that when you make decisions based on other people, that can back fire on you like nobody’s business. I spoke my mind about some things that I disagreed with. Because of this act, it led to violence coupled with an extreme level of misunderstanding. I also can’t talk about it in depth because of a pending legal case. But I will say this, this situation has taught me that some people can’t be helped and putting myself in harms way for those who wouldn’t do it for me is not the right move. I regret saying anything to begin with. I wish that people didn’t get hurt in the process. Even though, they say that they don’t blame me, I blame myself.

This is just a little bit of my journey. Til next time.

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