Relationship Woes

If you ever been in a relationship you would come to understand that there are highs and lows. Oftentimes, these two things can be what makes or breaks a relationship.

My high point in my relationship with my boyfriend, Richard, was when we first got together. We were noobs. We both hadn’t been in a relationship in a few years (he five years and me four years).  Richard confessed to me that he had had feelings for me for some time. That he had lied when he said that he had feeling for a friend of mine. I didn’t take this bit of news well. I thought he was lying. I was still in a state of shock because I hadn’t seen the signs that were there.

Fast forward 12+ years later, Richard and I are still together.

Love is a two-way street:

Even though this is a title to a song, there is so much truth in this phrase. In relationships, you often hear that it is the guy who is making all the mistakes and the woman is the one who is suffering. However, I am here to tell you that isn’t always the case. I am proof of that.

Since we have been together, Richard has been the one to really go above and beyond in the relationship. He makes sure that I have a meal when I come over, that I am taking medicine when I am sick. He is there when I bitch and moan about the goings on at work. (Like really, I do complain about work often.) I, on the other hand, have been greedy and a tad bit selfish. I sometimes tune out when he talks, I forget or don’t take in account what he likes for his birthday/Christmas. I can never seem to come up with an idea for what I want to do together.

But I will tell you this, as bad as I am…I do love the hell out of him. Not for what he can give me. I am not a materialistic woman. I love him because he hasn’t given up on me. And trust me there were plenty of times when he should have.

For me, I haven’t gotten used to the idea that he loves me. The trust that we are supposed to have in each other is one-sided. I can’t accept us.  I don’t why I feel this way, but something about us being together scares the crap out of me! Yikes!…

The problems that occur in our relationship or any relationship is the break down of communication. If both parties aren’t talking to each other and letting the other know what is going on, then yeah. The relationship sours. You both have to put in your fair share to make it work.

Crossroads:

Now, we’re at this point in the road where we don’t know where to go.  I know where I want to be with Richard and I’m pretty sure I know where he wants to be. But how do we get there?

It seems like every time we have a talk about us, more feelings get revealed and it is mind blowing. Our path, our road that we want to travel is bumpy because I am unsure if we can work. Or work the way he wants it to work. (if that makes any sense at all.)

It is just a lot of things that need to be sorted out. I don’t care as long as it takes, but I need to figure out what it is that I want and make it happen.

 

Have you been in a relationship and don’t know where it is going? All comments and advice are much appreciated.

~S~

Advertisements

Starting a new blog?

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine had suggested that I make a blog page with all of my writings. 

Now I have thought about it before and even started one but then I quickly deleted it because I didn’t feel comfortable with having my stories out in public like that. But that sort if contradicts the point in being a writer. 

I know that my work is good but not good enough for a large audience. I am just scared of my work not making it. The self-doubt is driving me so insane. 

Insanity is wreaking havoc here and it doesn’t seem to want to stop. But I guess I have to wait and see what happens.

~S~

30 Day Soda Free Challenge: Comes To An End

Hi guys,

As you may know, I started the 30 Day Soda Free Challenge back in September. I was doing really great, until I encountered a slip up sometime December. I didn’t really see it as a relapse at the time, but since I did break my fasting from carbonated drinks, I didn’t think it was fair to continue the challenge. Especially, when I had fallen ill during the Christmas break and ended up drinking  ginger ale for an upset stomach. So, I decided to end the challenge but not to drink soda anymore.

I think it is a step in the right direction for me and I couldn’t be more happier with my decision. I rather live a more healthier lifestyle than to end up suffering from heart disease or diabetes because of poor judgment.

Now, that the challenge is over I can get myself into shape for the new year. However, I won’t make that a resolution since those tend to get broken.

~S~

30 Day Soda Free Challenge: 3 Months Later: Relapse?

Wow,

When I began this challenge I really had not idea that it would have lasted this long. Now, it has been three months and I am proud of myself. For the first time, in a long time I actually challenged myself to do something and stuck with it.

However, two nights ago I was faced with a decision to drink some at home. I had two bottles of soda sitting on my dinner table. (They were given to me by my mother from her recent trip to Barbados.) They sat there for weeks and I even told her in a phone conversation that I stopped drinking the sweet stuff for some time. Apparently, she had forgotten.

Now fast forward, I had come home feeling a bit dehydrated and saw one of the bottles on the table. I opened it and the sweet smell entered my nose. I held it up to my lips and drank a quarter of it. I soon found myself feeling rather guilty for breaking my challenge. Soon by day two the small bottle was gone. And I haven’t touched the stuff since.

A feeling of regret and disappointment came over me. I felt like I just threw in the towel. However, I noticed something interesting. I didn’t get any pleasure from it, nor did it make me feel any different. It was like a big bottle of ‘MEH.’ It was nothing special, or to be desired.

It didn’t make me want to drink more of it, it was rather a let down. I realized that I didn’t miss much and I relapsed for nothing. But was it really for nothing?

I wouldn’t necessarily say that. It taught me that I really didn’t need it before and I didn’t need it now. I was done with it!

What do you guys think? Relapse or nah?

~S~

 

Quest to Getting Back on my Horse #35: Expectations

Hey guys,

It’s Friday! Finally the work week is over me and for so many people. I don’t mean to boast, but sometimes you have to. Especially, when your job drives you up a wall. There are moments (many moments) when I ask myself, ‘What have you gotten yourself into?’ I never really get a definitive answer, so I just chalk it up to the idea, ‘It’s a job.’

After my decision to leave the job in Queens, I had felt that I had made the best choice for myself. It was a new place of work. I could start over fresh. I didn’t have to worry about much. Those thoughts I still held on to four days into the new job.

After the next week, everything changed. It seemed like everything was worse than last job. The only major difference was there was no divide of the work staff. However, it wasn’t exactly all of us singing around the campfire singing ‘Cumbahya.’

The reason for this was because most of their staff had quit prior to me coming here and the director that hired me was sent elsewhere. So I was left thinking, ‘Did I just come aboard a sinking ship?’ Oh boy!

As the days progressed, I became increasingly satisfied with the job and what I was doing. Redundancy and coupled with not doing much of what you are hired to do, kind of put me in a place of ‘What the hell am I really doing here?’

It wasn’t until a co-worker transferred to another location then it really hit me. She was right! She felt like she wasn’t being used to her full capacity and it was beginning to feel like what issues you may have were not being heard and dealt with. So she left.

It sucked not having her here, because I used to talk to her a lot about the program and how I wished it would change. Now, it seems there is a only a glimmer of hope that it would turn around and be something to brag about to your friends after hours, instead of the ‘I can’t believe this kid did this?’ monologue.

I think it is hard to do this…working with kids sometimes. You may not click with every child. Lord knows, there is one child that if he had his choice I would be burned at the stake. (Maybe that is a bit extreme.) We just don’t vibe well together, and that’s fine. I made my peace with that a long time ago.

These past few months really made me think about expectations vs reality. What I wanted was different to what is happening. It feels a lot tougher than it did in Queens. Or maybe I’m beginning to see for real this time that maybe, just maybe that this line of work isn’t for me anymore…or maybe never was.

Expectations can be a bitch man.

What do you think?

~S~

Do you think you’re pretty? Qotd.

Have you ever been asked a question and you didn’t know how to answer it?

Well, that happened to me today.

Story:

I was talking a seventh grade student, who I’ll call “Tina.” Tina had mentioned to me about a situation that had been occurring for the past month and a half right before she comes to school. I had told her to inform her mother, because it was something that was causing her to stress out. At some point, we had strayed away from the topic and Tina had asked me if I thought I was pretty?

My response:

I smiled awkwardly, and responded with an unsure-able ‘yes.’ Tina immediately called me out on it. For a long time, I have struggled with my looks and how I was perceived by others. No matter how many times someone told me that I was attractive, I wouldn’t believe them. It felt like they were just telling me that to get something out of me. I mean most of the girls that I knew were attractive. (Light skinned women) So it was obvious that the boys were going to like them.

Some 12 years later, that was far from the truth. I find it hard to look and see what my boyfriend sees. I always thought I was too short and too dark for anyone to love me. However, that isn’t true.

As time goes by, I am slowly trying to learn to love myself and I enjoy the feeling. I have a lot of days where I feel low, but I have to keep reminding myself that I do have someone who loves and appreciates me. That’s all that matters.

~S~