Starting a new blog?

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine had suggested that I make a blog page with all of my writings. 

Now I have thought about it before and even started one but then I quickly deleted it because I didn’t feel comfortable with having my stories out in public like that. But that sort if contradicts the point in being a writer. 

I know that my work is good but not good enough for a large audience. I am just scared of my work not making it. The self-doubt is driving me so insane. 

Insanity is wreaking havoc here and it doesn’t seem to want to stop. But I guess I have to wait and see what happens.

~S~

30 Day Soda Free Challenge: Comes To An End

Hi guys,

As you may know, I started the 30 Day Soda Free Challenge back in September. I was doing really great, until I encountered a slip up sometime December. I didn’t really see it as a relapse at the time, but since I did break my fasting from carbonated drinks, I didn’t think it was fair to continue the challenge. Especially, when I had fallen ill during the Christmas break and ended up drinking  ginger ale for an upset stomach. So, I decided to end the challenge but not to drink soda anymore.

I think it is a step in the right direction for me and I couldn’t be more happier with my decision. I rather live a more healthier lifestyle than to end up suffering from heart disease or diabetes because of poor judgment.

Now, that the challenge is over I can get myself into shape for the new year. However, I won’t make that a resolution since those tend to get broken.

~S~

30 Day Soda Free Challenge: 3 Months Later: Relapse?

Wow,

When I began this challenge I really had not idea that it would have lasted this long. Now, it has been three months and I am proud of myself. For the first time, in a long time I actually challenged myself to do something and stuck with it.

However, two nights ago I was faced with a decision to drink some at home. I had two bottles of soda sitting on my dinner table. (They were given to me by my mother from her recent trip to Barbados.) They sat there for weeks and I even told her in a phone conversation that I stopped drinking the sweet stuff for some time. Apparently, she had forgotten.

Now fast forward, I had come home feeling a bit dehydrated and saw one of the bottles on the table. I opened it and the sweet smell entered my nose. I held it up to my lips and drank a quarter of it. I soon found myself feeling rather guilty for breaking my challenge. Soon by day two the small bottle was gone. And I haven’t touched the stuff since.

A feeling of regret and disappointment came over me. I felt like I just threw in the towel. However, I noticed something interesting. I didn’t get any pleasure from it, nor did it make me feel any different. It was like a big bottle of ‘MEH.’ It was nothing special, or to be desired.

It didn’t make me want to drink more of it, it was rather a let down. I realized that I didn’t miss much and I relapsed for nothing. But was it really for nothing?

I wouldn’t necessarily say that. It taught me that I really didn’t need it before and I didn’t need it now. I was done with it!

What do you guys think? Relapse or nah?

~S~

 

Quest to Getting Back on my Horse #35: Expectations

Hey guys,

It’s Friday! Finally the work week is over me and for so many people. I don’t mean to boast, but sometimes you have to. Especially, when your job drives you up a wall. There are moments (many moments) when I ask myself, ‘What have you gotten yourself into?’ I never really get a definitive answer, so I just chalk it up to the idea, ‘It’s a job.’

After my decision to leave the job in Queens, I had felt that I had made the best choice for myself. It was a new place of work. I could start over fresh. I didn’t have to worry about much. Those thoughts I still held on to four days into the new job.

After the next week, everything changed. It seemed like everything was worse than last job. The only major difference was there was no divide of the work staff. However, it wasn’t exactly all of us singing around the campfire singing ‘Cumbahya.’

The reason for this was because most of their staff had quit prior to me coming here and the director that hired me was sent elsewhere. So I was left thinking, ‘Did I just come aboard a sinking ship?’ Oh boy!

As the days progressed, I became increasingly satisfied with the job and what I was doing. Redundancy and coupled with not doing much of what you are hired to do, kind of put me in a place of ‘What the hell am I really doing here?’

It wasn’t until a co-worker transferred to another location then it really hit me. She was right! She felt like she wasn’t being used to her full capacity and it was beginning to feel like what issues you may have were not being heard and dealt with. So she left.

It sucked not having her here, because I used to talk to her a lot about the program and how I wished it would change. Now, it seems there is a only a glimmer of hope that it would turn around and be something to brag about to your friends after hours, instead of the ‘I can’t believe this kid did this?’ monologue.

I think it is hard to do this…working with kids sometimes. You may not click with every child. Lord knows, there is one child that if he had his choice I would be burned at the stake. (Maybe that is a bit extreme.) We just don’t vibe well together, and that’s fine. I made my peace with that a long time ago.

These past few months really made me think about expectations vs reality. What I wanted was different to what is happening. It feels a lot tougher than it did in Queens. Or maybe I’m beginning to see for real this time that maybe, just maybe that this line of work isn’t for me anymore…or maybe never was.

Expectations can be a bitch man.

What do you think?

~S~

Do you think you’re pretty? Qotd.

Have you ever been asked a question and you didn’t know how to answer it?

Well, that happened to me today.

Story:

I was talking a seventh grade student, who I’ll call “Tina.” Tina had mentioned to me about a situation that had been occurring for the past month and a half right before she comes to school. I had told her to inform her mother, because it was something that was causing her to stress out. At some point, we had strayed away from the topic and Tina had asked me if I thought I was pretty?

My response:

I smiled awkwardly, and responded with an unsure-able ‘yes.’ Tina immediately called me out on it. For a long time, I have struggled with my looks and how I was perceived by others. No matter how many times someone told me that I was attractive, I wouldn’t believe them. It felt like they were just telling me that to get something out of me. I mean most of the girls that I knew were attractive. (Light skinned women) So it was obvious that the boys were going to like them.

Some 12 years later, that was far from the truth. I find it hard to look and see what my boyfriend sees. I always thought I was too short and too dark for anyone to love me. However, that isn’t true.

As time goes by, I am slowly trying to learn to love myself and I enjoy the feeling. I have a lot of days where I feel low, but I have to keep reminding myself that I do have someone who loves and appreciates me. That’s all that matters.

~S~

 

 

Ghosts from the Past

It’s late at night and I find myself fighting the urge to fall asleep. But I have to get this out now before I fall into a state of unconsciousness.

‘Ghosts from the Past,’ sounds like the makings of a suspense novel. Regardless of the title, it really does fit this post.

Backstory:

So, I quit my job in August and found employment elsewhere. The reasons why I left the job was because things had become rather unfriendly and people who I thought were nice turned out to be otherwise. I accepted another job over the summer and opted to quit working for the organization I was with. In addition, the new job was much closer to home.

I left and never really looked back. That was until last night. I was sitting around when I heard my phone made a sound. Picking it up, I assumed it was from my mother, but when I saw that I had been added in to a group chat with the people that I had stopped talking to, I was shocked and annoyed at the same time.

We hadn’t spoken since June and all of sudden they want everyone in a group chat like nothing ever happened. I know that I am in my feelings or whatever…but if we haven’t spoken for a while and there are reasons for it, I am a bit skeptical of your motives.

What agenda do you have now? I am trying not to be sound petty but if you offended me once or twice, it is will have to take a miracle to get me to speak on good terms with you. Especially, when a person made no effort to resolve the issue or state an issue that they had when they clearly had one.

Part of me wants to hope that they are being genuine but when you deal with a person who is too immature, it is difficult to get passed that and dig deeper to get to the problem.

I have to keep them at a distance because I am not going to allow myself to get wrapped up in that craziness again. It isn’t good to be around negative people when you are trying to get yourself to a better place.

Some people should stay gone.

~S~