Change for the better…?

In my previous post, I was feeling like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was facing losing my apartment and not knowing where to go. To make it worse, I didn’t have money for the move. As of today, I still have to find a new place to live, but money has slowly coming in which can help me get said apartment.

So, I don’t feel as much as a loser as before. I need to stay positive right now because doing anything but will just cause me to become depressed again.

I don’t like being depressed, but it was something that had become so familiar that it was becoming to be worn like a blanket. However, with this slight change I am feeling optimistic. Change? Optimism? Who are you and what have you done with the real S?

I am as pessimistic as they come. I rarely look on the bright side of things because I like to see the negatives first and deal with them accordingly. Then the bright side can rear it’s pretty little head.

But yes! I am trying to do my best and be happy amidst the darkness. Change is good and should be embraced more and that is what I am planning on doing.

~S~

PS. Don’t forget to click on the link below.

Have a great day!

Always Look On The Brighter Side Of Life

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Where Do I Go From Here?

I have been feeling a little down lately. My birthday was a few weeks ago, that was when my bought of sadness began. Now that I am 35, I have been feeling like I haven’t done much with my life. However, I know this isn’t true, but I just can’t shake this feeling. It feels like I have no sense of purpose and I am just walking through life aimlessly. I am just traveling on this path that seems that I am destined to stay on, but not for the better.

Things at my job aren’t going so great either and I feel like I want to quit. To make matters worse, I have to look for another place to live. The landlord wants to renovate the house and there is no possible way for me to stay there. I don’t have enough money to put my things away in storage and no money to for a new place. I feel stuck right now. 

It feels like everything is closing in on me and I can’t escape it!   

Only a few people know about this situation, while others I can’t turned to because they have their own problems that they are dealing with, or just don’t care enough to assist. Or the ones that don’t bother to keep in touch enough, so they don’t know what I am going through.

But I am not mad at them, that’s just the way how life is. You learn who you can trust and not to trust. 

As of right now, it is uncertain if I can even continue working at my job because it is part time. However, I am willing to hang in there for as long as I can until I am able to be in better financial situation. But I will keep you posted as much as I can.

~S~

Relationship Woes

If you ever been in a relationship you would come to understand that there are highs and lows. Oftentimes, these two things can be what makes or breaks a relationship.

My high point in my relationship with my boyfriend, Richard, was when we first got together. We were noobs. We both hadn’t been in a relationship in a few years (he five years and me four years).  Richard confessed to me that he had had feelings for me for some time. That he had lied when he said that he had feeling for a friend of mine. I didn’t take this bit of news well. I thought he was lying. I was still in a state of shock because I hadn’t seen the signs that were there.

Fast forward 12+ years later, Richard and I are still together.

Love is a two-way street:

Even though this is a title to a song, there is so much truth in this phrase. In relationships, you often hear that it is the guy who is making all the mistakes and the woman is the one who is suffering. However, I am here to tell you that isn’t always the case. I am proof of that.

Since we have been together, Richard has been the one to really go above and beyond in the relationship. He makes sure that I have a meal when I come over, that I am taking medicine when I am sick. He is there when I bitch and moan about the goings on at work. (Like really, I do complain about work often.) I, on the other hand, have been greedy and a tad bit selfish. I sometimes tune out when he talks, I forget or don’t take in account what he likes for his birthday/Christmas. I can never seem to come up with an idea for what I want to do together.

But I will tell you this, as bad as I am…I do love the hell out of him. Not for what he can give me. I am not a materialistic woman. I love him because he hasn’t given up on me. And trust me there were plenty of times when he should have.

For me, I haven’t gotten used to the idea that he loves me. The trust that we are supposed to have in each other is one-sided. I can’t accept us.  I don’t why I feel this way, but something about us being together scares the crap out of me! Yikes!…

The problems that occur in our relationship or any relationship is the break down of communication. If both parties aren’t talking to each other and letting the other know what is going on, then yeah. The relationship sours. You both have to put in your fair share to make it work.

Crossroads:

Now, we’re at this point in the road where we don’t know where to go.  I know where I want to be with Richard and I’m pretty sure I know where he wants to be. But how do we get there?

It seems like every time we have a talk about us, more feelings get revealed and it is mind blowing. Our path, our road that we want to travel is bumpy because I am unsure if we can work. Or work the way he wants it to work. (if that makes any sense at all.)

It is just a lot of things that need to be sorted out. I don’t care as long as it takes, but I need to figure out what it is that I want and make it happen.

 

Have you been in a relationship and don’t know where it is going? All comments and advice are much appreciated.

~S~

Starting a new blog?

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine had suggested that I make a blog page with all of my writings. 

Now I have thought about it before and even started one but then I quickly deleted it because I didn’t feel comfortable with having my stories out in public like that. But that sort if contradicts the point in being a writer. 

I know that my work is good but not good enough for a large audience. I am just scared of my work not making it. The self-doubt is driving me so insane. 

Insanity is wreaking havoc here and it doesn’t seem to want to stop. But I guess I have to wait and see what happens.

~S~

30 Day Soda Free Challenge: Comes To An End

Hi guys,

As you may know, I started the 30 Day Soda Free Challenge back in September. I was doing really great, until I encountered a slip up sometime December. I didn’t really see it as a relapse at the time, but since I did break my fasting from carbonated drinks, I didn’t think it was fair to continue the challenge. Especially, when I had fallen ill during the Christmas break and ended up drinking  ginger ale for an upset stomach. So, I decided to end the challenge but not to drink soda anymore.

I think it is a step in the right direction for me and I couldn’t be more happier with my decision. I rather live a more healthier lifestyle than to end up suffering from heart disease or diabetes because of poor judgment.

Now, that the challenge is over I can get myself into shape for the new year. However, I won’t make that a resolution since those tend to get broken.

~S~

30 Day Soda Free Challenge: 3 Months Later: Relapse?

Wow,

When I began this challenge I really had not idea that it would have lasted this long. Now, it has been three months and I am proud of myself. For the first time, in a long time I actually challenged myself to do something and stuck with it.

However, two nights ago I was faced with a decision to drink some at home. I had two bottles of soda sitting on my dinner table. (They were given to me by my mother from her recent trip to Barbados.) They sat there for weeks and I even told her in a phone conversation that I stopped drinking the sweet stuff for some time. Apparently, she had forgotten.

Now fast forward, I had come home feeling a bit dehydrated and saw one of the bottles on the table. I opened it and the sweet smell entered my nose. I held it up to my lips and drank a quarter of it. I soon found myself feeling rather guilty for breaking my challenge. Soon by day two the small bottle was gone. And I haven’t touched the stuff since.

A feeling of regret and disappointment came over me. I felt like I just threw in the towel. However, I noticed something interesting. I didn’t get any pleasure from it, nor did it make me feel any different. It was like a big bottle of ‘MEH.’ It was nothing special, or to be desired.

It didn’t make me want to drink more of it, it was rather a let down. I realized that I didn’t miss much and I relapsed for nothing. But was it really for nothing?

I wouldn’t necessarily say that. It taught me that I really didn’t need it before and I didn’t need it now. I was done with it!

What do you guys think? Relapse or nah?

~S~

 

Quest to Getting Back on my Horse #35: Expectations

Hey guys,

It’s Friday! Finally the work week is over me and for so many people. I don’t mean to boast, but sometimes you have to. Especially, when your job drives you up a wall. There are moments (many moments) when I ask myself, ‘What have you gotten yourself into?’ I never really get a definitive answer, so I just chalk it up to the idea, ‘It’s a job.’

After my decision to leave the job in Queens, I had felt that I had made the best choice for myself. It was a new place of work. I could start over fresh. I didn’t have to worry about much. Those thoughts I still held on to four days into the new job.

After the next week, everything changed. It seemed like everything was worse than last job. The only major difference was there was no divide of the work staff. However, it wasn’t exactly all of us singing around the campfire singing ‘Cumbahya.’

The reason for this was because most of their staff had quit prior to me coming here and the director that hired me was sent elsewhere. So I was left thinking, ‘Did I just come aboard a sinking ship?’ Oh boy!

As the days progressed, I became increasingly satisfied with the job and what I was doing. Redundancy and coupled with not doing much of what you are hired to do, kind of put me in a place of ‘What the hell am I really doing here?’

It wasn’t until a co-worker transferred to another location then it really hit me. She was right! She felt like she wasn’t being used to her full capacity and it was beginning to feel like what issues you may have were not being heard and dealt with. So she left.

It sucked not having her here, because I used to talk to her a lot about the program and how I wished it would change. Now, it seems there is a only a glimmer of hope that it would turn around and be something to brag about to your friends after hours, instead of the ‘I can’t believe this kid did this?’ monologue.

I think it is hard to do this…working with kids sometimes. You may not click with every child. Lord knows, there is one child that if he had his choice I would be burned at the stake. (Maybe that is a bit extreme.) We just don’t vibe well together, and that’s fine. I made my peace with that a long time ago.

These past few months really made me think about expectations vs reality. What I wanted was different to what is happening. It feels a lot tougher than it did in Queens. Or maybe I’m beginning to see for real this time that maybe, just maybe that this line of work isn’t for me anymore…or maybe never was.

Expectations can be a bitch man.

What do you think?

~S~